Interesting Read

Here's one (more) thing I struggle with:

Even though the statistics on poverty in developing nations like Ethiopia are staggering, at what point do people from wealthier nations become "entitled" to just take people's children?

There is a huge difference between a parent choosing to relinquish their child and a parent who is guilted or forced into relinquishing their child.

Shouldn't we be more concerned with offering aid and providing resources for self-sustainability?
I realize it's akin to comparing apples and elephants, but in the United States children are forcibly removed from their parents homes in cases of severe abuse and neglect. I don't believe it should considered neglect when an entire family is impoverished and they're doing the best they can with very very little, and I don't believe that the best solution is to tear families apart (whether in the U.S. or abroad). I have a really hard time with the whole "better life" argument.

Here's an interesting article I just came across.

Any thoughts?

Favouritism

And now for something completely different.

As I'm getting deeper and deeper into the everyday act of parenting the children I've been blessed with, I'm starting to wonder whether some of the differences in their attitudes and coping strategies might stem from the fact that one of my children was a nanny favourite and the other, well, wasn't.

One of the twins is extremely emotional and whines / cries often. This is the child who, while in orphanage care, was picked up immediately any time they cried, and fawned over regularly. I think it may have been a case of "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". Several of the nannies, nurses and other staff cried when it was time to say goodbye to this child. The other child was adequately cared for, but certainly didn't seem to receive any special attention.

I really didn't think a whole lot of it until recently, but as I'm watching the kids grow and develop and assert their 2 year old independence, I've begun wondering whether the favouritism shown to one child when that child was very young has had an effect on that child's ability to self-soothe. Conversely, I wonder whether my other child's experience of not being a favourite has led that child to be more independent and less emotional.

I'm curious to hear what kinds of experiences other parents have had. Was your child a favourite? Or not? Have you noticed any lasting effects from that (either positive or negative?)

open mic

I'm curious to hear your opinions on adoption agencies who go beyond caring for and placing children. Specifically, what are your thoughts on:

1. birth mother centers (i.e. "safe" places where women can obtain prenatal care and give birth to their children)

2. anti-poverty programs

3. schools (unrelated to adoption)

4. family sponsorship programs

I'm wondering if others think that adoption agencies have legitimate reasons for reaching out to families beyond taking in children to be placed for adoption. Do these additional programs cross ethical lines?

If they do not, then how can we ensure that women are not being "pressured" into relinquishment in order to obtain some of these services? (For example: the birth mother centers that I know of are free to women who relinquish their babies, but charge fees to women who choose to parent.)

Thoughts?

Blog Hiatus

I'm not abandoning this blog. But I am moving (physically, not in the blogosphere), and I do not expect to have internet access for at least 6 weeks. Once we've settled into our new place, I've got lots more thoughts to share and questions to ask. Thanks for hanging in there!

Transparency in International Adoption Practices

I've been receiving some fantastic e-mails recently from thoughtful, concerned individuals who have brought up some excellent points (Thank you!). One of the issues that was raised involved transparency in international adoption practices.

Sometimes it seems (at least it did to me while we were in the adoption process) that we do all this work meeting with social workers, gathering paperwork, engaging in self-reflective exercises, going to classes to prepare for becoming adoptive parents, etc... and then, once we've compiled our dossier documents and sent them off to our placement agencies, there's nothing to do but wait.

Certainly a lot is going on behind the scenes while we are waiting, but in my experience, the adoption agencies aren't always forthcoming with information about exactly how the process works. Sure, most agencies will answer the questions if you ask them, but you have to do a little (or sometimes a lot) of digging to get to the real answers.

Most of us live in a society where a lot of the "dirty work" is done behind closed doors, and sadly, that seems true of the adoption field as well. I think when it comes to something as personal and emotional as adoption, so many people have to focus on the positive side because they've already faced a lot of negative experiences to get where they are.

I think that a lot of adoptive families choose selective awareness because they so badly want to open their homes and hearts to a child. Focusing on the more negative or heartbreaking aspects of adoption can be overwhelming, and I think focusing solely on these things would be enough to turn any person with an ounce of compassion off of adopting at all.

However, adoption (like most things in life) is a multidimensional and multifaceted experience, and there is a whole lot of good that can come of it. I just think it's best for everyone involved to enter into the adoption process fully informed (or at least as fully informed as possible).

When we began the adoption process, we heard so much about the sheer number of orphans in Ethiopia. Then, as we did more research, we learned that the definition of "Orphan" is much broader than I had initially believed. No one offered us this information -- we had to seek it out on our own.

Now, as more and more concerns are being raised about the process of relinquishment, I've found myself doing more digging into how relinquishments occur in the first place. The best I can understand is that it varies by agency as well as the country that the children will be placed into.

Many people (including the Ethiopian government) have raised concerns about relinquishments by two parent families. Personally, I think that the focus should be on ensuring that all families who approach an adoption agency with the intent to relinquish their child(ren) have been counseled on their options. If a family truly does want to raise their children, but some external force (i.e. poverty, etc.) is making that too difficult, then I think families should be able to pursue other sources of support. I'm not sure that any alternative supports currently exist in Ethiopia, and I'm unsure about who's job it should be to establish and run support services, but I digress.

In the end, as long as a family is providing *informed* consent to relinquish their child for adoption, then I honestly don't think it should matter if that child comes from a single parent or two parent family. If we were talking about American families, then it would be a non-issue. Why should we hold families from other countries to different (and far more stringent) standards?

Unfortunately with immigration laws, it's unlikely that those policies will change anytime soon. I just truly think that people are misguided in trying to look out for everyone's best interests. It's terrible that bureaucratic systems and blanket laws tend to make things even worse for the most vulnerable people in these situations: the children.

Because of the current laws, parents may be more likely to abandon their children since relinquishment is becoming more difficult. From my perspective, that's a lose-lose-lose situation for everyone involved -- birth families who have no idea what happened to their child, adoptive families who have no information on their child's medical, social, or family history, and children who will undoubtedly have questions but will have a difficult time finding answers. Alternately, they may choose to lie about their family circumstances so that the agencies accept their child(ren) into care -- also not a desirable outcome.

In the end, I want everyone on all sides of the equation to enter into adoption armed with as much information as possible. The more certain we can be that everyone has made the adoption plan for any child of their own volition, the more confident we can be in the legitimacy of the adoption process.

Child Trafficking vs. International Adoption

Last night I was involved in a conversation that left me (as usual) with more questions than answers. Although I remain critical of unethical adoption practices in Ethiopia and around the world, I'm still trying to figure out what the best solution is.

It's a given that demand drives supply, and unfortunately this is the case in the adoption world as well. So is the solution to decrease the demand for children? I'm not sure that would solve any problems, and may leave those children already in care to age out of the system without ever having found a family. Certainly that is not in anyone's best interests: the children who have not been able to experience the love and nurturing of a family, the overburdened orphanage system, the government who must try to keep track of these children.

I've heard and read horror stories about the so called "street children" of Addis. No human being deserves to be treated that way. Ever. Under any circumstances. And I fear that terrible fates may await the abandoned and relinquished children of Ethiopia if the international adoption programs were to shut down.

If we take an honest look at international adoption programs around the world, it's challenging to find any program that's not embroiled in some sort of controversy. My biggest fear about what could happen in Ethiopia is what is happening in Cambodia. The children in Ethiopia are already at high levels of vulnerability for becoming victims of child trafficking, and sadly, according to several articles, this is already happening.

Human Trafficking and Modern Day Slavery
As Long as it Remains Profitable, Child Trafficking Will Continue
Ethiopian Children Easy Prey for Child Traffickers

And although I believe adoption is an infinitely better outcome for these children, I still feel that some practices that certain agencies allegedly are using to "recruit" children border on child trafficking. This is precisely why it is critically important to do all that we can to ensure that relinquishments happen ethically with all parties providing free, informed consent.

I also feel that this is a compelling argument for fostering contact between birth and adoptive families. Otherwise birth families will never know what became of their children.

Once again, I'm not sure that there are any definitive answers or solutions to these grandiose problems. I think we need more oversight and education on all sides. And I'm feeling like the more I learn about the intricacies and interwoven complexities of international adoption, the less I know...